I woke up worse again this morning. I think now I have a sinus infection and chest cold. Arrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Oh my gosh last night was such a struggle for me. For the first time on plan I actually found myself giving up... temporarily.
Yes.. ME.. giving up.
The same person that became a health coach to inspire others. The same person that vows to stay positive. The same person who preaches stay 100% on plan and all will fall into place. The same person that was dosed up on 50 benadryl in an ER last week having her Medifast hot cocoa while hooked up to an IV after an allergic reaction in outpatient chemo to the iron infusion! How could this be?
Last night my day should have ended and I should have gone to bed. I really did try a few times but the chest congestion was making it impossible to lay flat. I came downstairs and sat on the couch with Ely and watched some more TV. Frustrated.. pissed off at my body.. exhausted...mad at still not feeling good, mad I can't get back to my exercise yet, mad at falling behind at work because of missing days, mad at being mad... lol.. I was just MAD!
First I had herbal tea. No problem. I've been drinking tons of herbal tea lately. It usually works for me. It didn't this time. I had an additional cup of cottage cheese with some PB2 and a little SF davinci raspberry syrup. I didn't measure it. I always measure it. That should have been a good indicator the inner brat was taking over. It gets better. Then I tore into half of MF soy crisps package. Mind you I had MF crackers as my snack earlier in the day so this was NOT OP. I swore off these MF snacks just a few days ago too. The carb content just doesn't fit within my typical day ever. 2 hours later I was hungry again.
I started to look for more food, hunting, and gathering, like a mad cave woman!
I chopped up a red pepper and ate it with 1 LC queso cheese and some harif (hot spicy pepper mix that Ely's parents make us). It was like the start of a medifast binge I tell you. I felt it coming on and it was only going to get more ugly. I could have sat there and ate feeling sorry for myself all night and eating. I stopped it.
My head was not on straight last night at all. This morning it is and I can reflect and learn. Being sick and not feeling good is not an excuse for me to go off program. Intellectually I know this. Dosed up on sinus meds, tired, and frustrated... my judgement got cloudy.
Do you know... as I was eating those soy chips.. standing up... directly out of my pantry.. I had the Judith Beck cards from her wonderful book taped to the pantry door starring right at me. I read one or two but I didn't let myself digest what was on the cards. My WMR's (weapons of mass reduction) were not working for me last night but probably because when one failed I didn't tap into all the other weapons I have available. This is a battle.. it will always be a battle. I need to keep fighting with the entire arsenal.
So let's think about how I can handle this situation for next time and other WMR's I have in the arsenal because guess what.. chances are I will get frustrated again. I will get mad again. I may get sick again. I might be too tired to think straight again.
When in the moment you hope you are thinking clearly, you examine the conversation in that head, you talk to your inner brat and tell her to shut up. I noticed that I rushed really fast to eat so I couldn't give myself time to think about it. Have you ever done that?
I didn't think about my primary goal, my secondary goal, my fundamental goals (see Dr. A's Habits of Health for more on goal specifics:http://www.drwayneandersen.com/about/ )
I didn't go to my list of the 40 reasons I want to get healthy and read it. I didn't read my milestones list. The inner brat strategically rushed through the split second thought so I didn't have a chance to win the battle in my head. I didn't access any of my WMR's. By the way I am going to trademark WMR.. haha.. just kidding =)
Ok so here is a new WMR to add to the list and perhaps the most important one I have figured out yet:
Slowing down means taking some deep breaths and giving myself time to process the conversation in my head. I'm at the point in my program where if given the time I will come up with the right reasons to stay on plan.
Move away from the kitchen. Scream, stomp, beat a pillow.. but find anything other than food to take my frustration out on.
Yes, I stopped it before it got worse. I left the kitchen, put some vicks on my chest, took some PM sinus meds, and eventually fell asleep but next time it needs to stop before it happens. It's only going to get harder once I am in T&M so now is the time I need to get this skill down and get it down good.
I convinced myself I was hungry because it had been 2 hours or more since my last meal. Maybe I was hungry and maybe I wasn't? I was probably thirsty. Regardless, it doesn't matter because hunger isn't the reason for me to eat when I have eaten all my meals for the day already. I'm not starving even if my brain wants to revert back to the stone age and try to convince me I am.
I need to say out loud in that situation: SLOW DOWN! I must slow down because when I do I will come up with that reason that I am not starving and I can refocus my thoughts on creating REAL health.
That inner brat convinced me it was ok. I was eating on plan foods and after all the only thing I had for my lean earlier was some egg whites and cheese. Evil inner brat!!! NO... It was not ok. I was probably almost at 1200 - 1300 calories by the end of the night and that is not within the 5/1 limits. I planned out my day exactly and monitored my intake all day. I closed the log out for the day at just under 1000 calories before I tried to go to sleep. I was done. Matter of fact I have yet to log this binge it in my log but will do that to find out the exact number when I am done writing. Eating on plan foods/foods approved by NS doesn't mean we are on plan when we eat greater portions of them.
You see I know all of this but if I don't SLOW DOWN and give myself time to think about it I let my inner brat repress that smart skilled MF'er.
Once I slowed down and came up with the right answers to stay on plan I could have tried any of the following and will next time:
- hit the chat room
- stomp, yell, beat a pillow
- talk it out with Ely (he was right next to me)
- drink fluids... yes.. my water intake was down and chances are I was extra thirsty from all the sinus meds
- read habits of health or any other book
- meditated/light yoga/stretching
- taken a bath
- listened to music
You know what really concerns and scares me? This happened on the same day I got to my halfway point. I was feeling so confident and this just was a huge blow to the ego. I always say all things happen for a reason. Maybe I needed a wake up call and this was it. This is exactly an example of how one can forget everything they learned and go back to old habits despite having some of the skills down. We need to get all the skills down and keep practicing them and using them. We need to do this for life. No more yo-yo diets!
So let's try this again -
Hi.. I'm Stacy and I will always be an emotional eater and food addict. I have the skills now to handle it thanks to Take Shape For Life. I just need to keep adding to my WMR's and using them in this life long battle. I will continue to create health, reach optimal health, and remain in a state of optimal health.
PROTECT THE PLAN, SLOW DOWN, CREATE HEALTH!